I’m baaaaack

OMG, it’s been close to a year since I’ve written here! I’ve come back to SL, back to Gor, and am re-claiming my blog. I’ve spent the past week or so re-reading all that I’ve already written (yawn). I will try to explain a bit about my absense and what I am doing now.

I was slipping into a real funk last fall and winter that culminated in my taking a long break, first from SL Gor and then from SL completely. Everything felt so out of control last year. I wasn’t dealing with RL stress very well, or sleeping very well, or having fun in SL any more.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that my anti-depressant wasn’t working for me anymore, and I was about to experience a recurrence of melanoma.  I spent the spring and summer of this year at various and assorted doctor’s appt.’s, undergoing treatment and therapy, and focusing on my own health.  Instead of staring at the computer I planted a big organic herb and veggie garden and read a lot of history and fiction. I spent a lot of time planning for the new school year, re-organizing and preparing and getting it under control before it even started. I got better. I feel so much better now that I can look back and see that I hadn’t been feeling well for a long time…but when I was right in the middle of it I couldn’t see it. I’ve been given a gift, a new lease on life, and all the other stresses of life have fallen into perspective. I feel great, calm, happy, grateful.

When I knew I wanted to come back to SL Gor I contacted my former Master and talked it over with him. I feel like I just walked away from him last year, even though I went with his blessing. He is an amazing man and a terrific Master. He’s always been supportive and kind and patient with me. He gave me such incredible opportunities, but I was unfortunately just not in a place where I could take advantage of them. I knew every day that it was a privilege to wear his collar. After I’d been gone and out of touch for quite a while he released me. Nevertheless, I felt that I owed it to him to ask his permission to return, and seek his approval on a few other points. I did not have the guts to beg for his collar again. I was too afraid of actually hearing his answer, knowing how it would hurt. (Did you know that if you stick your head in a hole in the ground you won’t be able to see the thing you’re afraid of, and you won’t be afraid anymore? It’s true!) So here is what I am doing now, with his blessing: I’ve sent Laurie to the Cities of Dust with the city of Salernum. (Oh, my heart aches for Salernum!) I closed that account, which was an alt for my main avi, Crow Bergson. Crow is closest to the real me, and like me, she is ready to return to Gor after a long absence. I have no other alts anymore. Crow has found her way to Imperial Ar, where she wears the collar of a Slaver who is the alt of a close friend. This is just so I can play in the city. Eventually she will be sold, but there’s no rush. For now she is learning the new city and its people and having fun just being herself again. More on that later. I am attempting to integrate Laurie’s story with Crow’s, since I’ve never played more than one character at a time anyway and Laurie existed only because Crow couldn’t come back yet. Do I sound like a nut? LOLOLOL

Anyway, it’s late. More to come, and I need to update those links and add some new ones. And put up a new picture. Gosh, it’s good to be back.

 

I’m sorry

I’ve been neglecting this blog and neglecting myself, and I’m paying for both. RL has been a whirlwind of the flu tearing around my home and my workplace. My life as a slave has been difficult. I realized last night that it was just about 1 year ago that I found out I’ve got an ulcer, and that made me wonder if there’s a pattern here. The holidays can be a hard time. I need to stop and be still, take better care of myself physically and mentally. I can’t be everything to everyone, no matter how much they may expect me to be, or I may want to be.

 

storm

She feels his displeasure like the ozone following a thunderstorm, unseen waves traveling across the city to her heart, pounding against her again and again. She doesn’t understand it, but she knows it’s there, she feels it and tastes it and smells it all around her. IM’s go unanswered. Her heart-sister has left. Slaves come and they go, they are only slaves, after all! Yet this is so much more than roleplay. Or is it? It that all that she is, in the end? A player, an actress with ridiculous expectations? Can she give so much, sacrifice so much, only to be rendered meaningless in the blink of an eye? The risk is far too great.

Her heart aches with confusion and fear. He is unhappy with her for neglecting her blog, yet what can she write? Her feelings do not always translate to words. Her thoughts come as pictures, colors, impressions and intuition. Communication is important, he says, and she knows this is true. Even so, sometimes she just -can’t-.

The accusing voice in her head nags, “Will you still be a slave when you are truly treated like a slave, a mere possession that doesn’t matter, an occasional amusement that is readily replaced? Can you fight the fear and sadness and even anger, lay them at his feet and submit to his will, even if that means being kicked away?” But she knows that it’s not about “being a slave.” It’s not about options. She knows there is no hope. It’s in her blood and bones. It’s not what she does, it’s what she is.

How does that quote go again? Something about never making someone a priority when you will never be more than an option to them? A slave cannot listen to things like that and expect to remain sane.

And so the storm rages on.

 

Spinning my wheels

There’s a lot of stress right now in my RL, both at work and at home. When I finally get some time to myself at the end of the day I don’t feel much like being social. I don’t go into SL much these days, although I try to catch up on the weekends. I’m trying to get more efficient at work so I don’t have to bring so much of it home with me, which should lessen the stress there. There’s not much within my control on the home front, which has always made SL an important escape for me. It’s so much more than a game. It’s people and places that mean a lot to me, it’s my recreation and my socialization, it’s one of the very few places where I can just be myself. So anyway,  Salernum is busy with preparation for the Reap festival. My Master is busy with, well, everything. There’s nothing really happening as far as M/s for me right now, and since I’m not feeling social enough to roleplay much there’s just not much reason for me to go in. I lose myself in old games, where I shoot orcs and bite  people and yes, even blow stuff up. Could somebody please pass me the Prozac?

 

Call me shallow

Sex is important to me. It’s an important part of who I am as a woman and who I am as a slave. It’s an integral part of Gorean slavery, itself. It’s important to me in real life, and it’s important to me in on-line relationships.

There, I said it.

With regards to the various forms of cyber sex, both men and women have said things to me like, “oh, I can take it or leave it,” “it’s not a big thing for me,” “it doesn’t really matter,” etc., etc.  I end up feeling like I should apologize for wanting it, craving it, needing it. For being a real slut with a very real fire in her belly. Or maybe I should be ashamed or embarrassed or something.  I dunno.  The truth is, it’s something I revel in. I just don’t feel the least bit bad about that at all.

It’s great fun when it’s roleplay, a battle of wits and words, purely IC and nothing more. It can be mind-blowing with someone you care for a great deal. It can be an out-of-body experience, or a  devastating encounter, or at it’s worst, actually boring. It’s a way to play, a way to laugh, a way to experience that power exchange, a way to share deeply intimate aspects of yourself, a way to love and feel loved. It can even be a way to express anger, or to share sorrow, to apologize, or to comfort. It can mean nothing at all. It can be profound. It can strip away the facade that protects our emotions, leaving us vulnerable and exposed. For me, those possibilities exist both in real life and in SL, or anywhere else in cyberspace. Sex is physical, yes, obviously, but it’s also in the brain. It’s about words, creativity, imagination. It’s about taking the time to create that experience for someone else, even when it’s just the short “has her swiftly” sort of post that makes me laugh. It’s about knowing that someone else is taking the time to create that experience for you. It’s knowing that for that brief (or not so brief!) amount of time, your partner has found you worthy of their undivided attention. Within the M/s relationship it makes me feel more tightly bound to my Master, more dependent upon him, more completely and utterly owned. He alone controls when or if he will use me, or allow anyone else to use me, or deny me altogether, at his whim. It’s a privilege, never a right. I can hope for it and beg for it, but I dare not ever expect it. If he does use me I feel beautiful, desirable, wanted and cared for, sometimes even loved….all of which, I know, are foolish things to imagine.  I know very well that to him it can mean nothing more than just a way to pass the time.

Yes of course there are many other ways to express and experience all of these things. I know that, for many people, sex in any form other than real life is ridiculous at best, and disgusting at worst. I get that, I really do. 

It’s just really important to me.